I haven't been ranting into the void much lately. That's because my life has turned upside down and then been set right again. I have to say, this rebirth has been very enlightening. Yet, the most important lesson I have learnt from all this is, being an adult is hard! Is this how the adults in my life felt when I was a child? We had to put our trust in them blindly though. Terrifying!
Does anyone else feel like they don't know what they are doing and life seems to be passing them by? I miss the days of fun and fantasy when I was at school, and everything seemed possible. I could just reach out and touch it, my hopes and dreams, my ideal life. Now, I feel like I don't know where I will be next year and guess what? This year is about to end in less than a month and a half.
Let me describe to you what I thought would be my ideal life. When I was in school, I thought I'd finish university with a science degree and get a cracking research job. I'd meet a man from a similar professional background and we'd get married. Then, I would wait two years and have two little girls. I would do yoga and feed my kids a balanced diet. I would slowly climb up the ladder to Chief Scientist and retire happy. Just kidding! I wanted to be a Bharatanatyam dancing astronaut!
So what does my life look like now? I'll tell you. Let me stop laughing first. Okay, okay! Here we go. I am totally lost about what I want in life. I am shocked at how powerless I feel. Some days it feels like a challenge to even figure out what I will eat for three meals. I did meet a wonderful man and he is a great source of support in my life, but we have inadvertently ended up in two different countries. Last year's lockdown has changed my view of life completely and I am strangely comfortable with the instability I am currently experiencing. I have to admit, I don't like missing my partner all the time, but it makes our meetings all the more special. Oh, and I crochet my own clothes sometimes!
So I didn't end up as a dancing astronaut or a scientist mother, but would I have it any other way? The answer is a resounding no! I have my beliefs challenged every day and it makes me do things that were previously out of my comfort zone. This helps me find peace even in the most turbulent of situations. I realized I was waiting for life to happen to me all this time. I was living, doing, and saying only what I knew I wouldn't fail at. In the last year, that has changed radically! I am not worried about failing anymore. Okay, let's be a bit more realistic. I am willing to try things that I may fail at.
Instead of a dancing astronaut, I am a crocheting nomad. Haha, win, right? My new vision is to travel, own my own business, and have plenty of quiet time. The only thing I would like to take from my old fantasy is yoga. Let's add that to the mix. One of my aims is to blog regularly a.k.a. rant into the void more often. Even if no one is listening, I may like to look back at these posts one day. Signing off from Bath, UK where I am visiting my partner after a solid, turbulent, and exhausting year of long-distance.
Jahnaviđź’“
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